Whenever I’m mad about something, I feel this fire within me waiting to be unleashed. I’ve learned—still learning—to transform that fire into a positive energy. Motivation is the word for this. My anger makes me feeling brave and bold. When I write my story, my anger doesn’t hold me back. Whatever comes out of me, it’ll be the most honest and powerful form of creation I can make. My anger helps me manage my self-doubt, insecurity and fear. In the absence of my anger, I’d constantly fear of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, writing the wrong story. Without my anger as my fuel, I’d hold myself back.
Being angry doesn’t worry me though. Anger tells me I am alive. That I still care about something. I worry about feeling indifference because that’s when I know my spark has gone. My writing block usually starts whenever I feel content, or when I’m about to give up. Which is often.
When writing, I am mesmerized with creating inner conflicts. Conflict leads to frustration and struggle. When my character is feeling hopeless, I dive into their anger. I’m not sure if this is the correct way to write, but I always find my character’s anger as a thing that drives the story forward. My characters and I might not be on the same journey, but the energy we feel is the same. We recognize the burning need to do something. I love tapping into it.
The same energy also shows in my reading taste. I almost always find myself gravitating towards books that are angsty, dark, and edgy. I love reading stories that push me outside my boundaries. I love stories that demand to be seen. The anger doesn’t need to be loud or hard. Sometimes I don’t even need to feel it in the words on the pages. I love it when I spot the Hulk hiding behind Bruce Benner. For me, the Hulk is the most powerful when he’s lurking in the shadow and not screaming on the center stage. This kind of stories always stay with me long after I finish reading them. I may not remember the characters’ names, but I always, always remember the silent anger underneath.
Going back to writing process, please remember everyone’s way is different. My way may not work for you and that’s okay. Find that inner spark within yourself, and when you find it, go with all you got.
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